I lost the one thing I had. I used to feel as if the entire world belonged to me, I used to feel as if I belonged to me, as if my future belonged to me. You took that from me. I no longer understand the world. I no longer have faith that I will make it to my dreams, or even that I will end up okay, because I no longer have a faith that anything is certain. I used to believe in me, but you took that from me.

When you took your life, you took the world I lived in, the world I felt I could conquer, and you shook it like a snow globe. And all of these things I thought I had figured out, and all of these things I understood, and all of these things I thought were concrete you threw in the air and they drifted around my head and settled somewhere new. My entire world was altered, everything I knew disturbed. 

And as all of this hit me, as it all sunk in, you shook me. You took me from this comfortable place and threw me in the air and let me drift around. But I haven’t landed.

Since you took your life, I’ve just been drifting.

The apartment had never been well lit, but with the light from Jady’s aquarium gone, you couldn’t even see who was sitting next to you. I missed the aquarium. I missed the buzz of the florescent light. I missed everything in that room, and every detail that I could remember from last May. All eleven of us who had crammed into that two bedroom apartment spent our evenings sitting on the floor, on arms of sofas and chairs. All of us talking at once. The noise, the spirit, the fresh feeling of youth in the room.

I missed what this place was before Jady had taken her aquarium. Before Jensen took his television and the radio (which actually belonged to Marcus). Before Erin had taken her bookshelf, books and knick knacks included. Before Marcus took Bethany and the dog. Before Lindsey took her life.

Jessie lit a cigarette. I watched the orange glow float from her lips to where it smoldered in the ash tray. She cleared her throat and after a heavy sigh said, ”This place is becoming more and more of a ghost town.”

That day, more than any other day, was the day I truly understood the brevity of life. That day I understood for the first time that we can be smart, strong, and brave but even the most brilliantly crafted beings are no match for the final touch of fate. All of the sudden, everything I held to the highest standard seemed so distant and insignificant. The pursuit of immortality is not a man in search of magic elixir, but rather our desire to leave something on this earth that can exist and affect others long after our bodies fail to. The day of his untimely death, I began to live.